i am a 2 year old addict.
i take pictures with my eyes.
my beating muscle is co-owned.
and if found,do call.

tomorrow 1 til 10 with mutha-tooters..yayness..can i just keep knocking my head on the wall til i bleed and die?argh!this is infuriating..

You Know The Flirt Hates This





a tribute to the most gorgeous 80-year old i have ever seen..my late grandma..

the second time i went to the hospital yesterday..i had a feeling something was going to be amiss..but you were so cheery..you gave me hope that you'll survive..you even asked me if i was going to come visit you the next day..i said i would..and you nodded..before i left..i kissed your hand..i kissed your forehead..and i whispered in your ear..i said 'nek..adik sayang nenek.'but grandma..i wasnt prepared for this..i did visit you the next day..around 1.30am..the doctor said your blood pressure was getting lower..i saw you trying to breathe..but i still had hope that you'll make it..but as the clock ticked..so did your life..i held your hand..i rubbed your feet..pa,uncle and auntie started reading Yasin..yet i still thought you were going to make it..but when they finished..everything stopped..including your breathing..

the nurse's words are fresh in my mind..i was by your bedside and when the oxygen mask came off..the nurse said 'umm..saye rase dier da..' and everyone in the room knew the ending to the sentence..mum cried and called you..she hugged you..and i just stood there..tears rolling down..looking at you..not wanting you to go..abang came up to me..we hugged so tight..he sshh-ed me..and i said 'adik taknak nenek pergi'..but you did..then abang consoled mum..pa didnt really cry..

waited for relatives to come..went home and changed..i just couldnt bear stepping into the room that you slept in nenek..and it's my room..your clothes are still there..went out to fetch another uncle then headed to ang mo kio where grandma's body lay..i read to you Al-Fatiha..i read to you Yasin..so did papa..and i didnt think pa would cry..cause he read it to you in the hospital..and now he's reading to you again..guess that hit him..

i bathed you your last bath..you looked so pale..i thought it was all a dream..i kissed you your last kiss..and i said to forgive me..dont worry nenek..adik da maafkan segala dosa..adik janji adik akan doakan nenek setiap hari dan adik pasti nenek akan berada dalam tempat yang dipenuhi oleh orang-orang beriman..the one thing that hit me so hard was when mum had a conversation with 2 of my aunties..mum said i was the last person grandma saw before she left this world..and the reply that i got was 'nenek sayangkan amel tu pasal amel orang terakhir yang dapat jumpe dier.'and i was blown away..really..ive never felt so touched before..

nenek..sepanjang hayat nenek di dunie ni..adik tahu nenek ade buat kesilapan-kesilapan..tapi nek..amel sebagai cucu nenek tak pernah lintas di fikiran untuk mendapat penganti..nenek ajar adik banyak bende..nenek sajelah yang boleh sembuh adik kalau adik jatuh..nenek da buat banyak untuk adik..sejak adik dilahirkan..nenek lah menjage adik..dari membuat susu ke mendodoi adik tidur..nenek yang memasak lauk-lauk yang adik gemar..tapi nek..sudah tibe masenye untuk nenek pulang ke tangan yang Mencipta..adik redha pemergian nenek..nenek telah membina mahligai yang dipenuhi dengan memori pahit manis di hati adik..adik tak akan lupekan nenek..bile tibe masenye kite bertemu kembali..kite akan membine mahligai yang lebih indah ye nek..sementare itu..adik hanye dapat berdoa..

amel sayang nenek

maafkan dosa-dosa amel

amel bangge kerana dapat seorang nenek yang dapat melawan peyakit..

tapi nenek tak kalah..walaupun nenek tiada disisi amel..dalam hati amel nenek masih hidup..

selama-lamanya





visited grandma twice..with nad and fyera(thanks guys)..and by myself..and grandma..i might not say this to you in person so this is the second best place i could think of..

im sorry if ever i caused you any pain..i didnt mean to..i want you to come back and stay here..at my place..i want you to call my name and ask for water,food or even going to the bathroom..i'll do anything as long as you come back..i dont want you to ever leave me..i want you to stop these tears from falling..i want you to be here again..i want to sleep beside you when im scared..

grandma..you're my confidante..you're my best friend..you're my life..you mean everything to me..and i dont want you to ever go..i read uncle's msg to mum..it said 'mother's condition is getting worse.be prepared'..but i know you're gonna get better..i know you will..grandma..even with all those tubes and stiches..you still look beautiful..in fact..you're the most beautiful 80-year old i have ever known and i love you..trust me..with all my heart i do..

God..if this is what it takes to wake me up..it's a good wake up call..ive realised my mistakes..i'll never repeat them..just give grandma the strength again to come back well..please..i dont want her to go and make me feel ive been a bad grand-daughter..cause i know i havent been at my best..i want to show her that i'll care for her when no-one is there..i want to show her that i'll repay all the things she's done for me from i was born..i know to an extent it'll never be enough..but i want to show her that i'll do my best..and i'l never complain..

grandma..i love you

i'd do anything for you





seeing grandma lying on the hospital bed is already heart wrenching..what more seeing all those tubes going through her fragile body..when i thought that was enough..i was wrong..the stiches on her face and lips..just forced me to tears..thanks nad..i needed that..

grandma..i want you back home..

wipe my tears and make me whole





and the new year's here like BAM BAM BOOM!!well not technically cause it's already the 2nd..ah but heck it..haha..was too bloody damn tired to update the blog on the 1st..haha..cause why?cause i came back at 7..and nope..not in the night..watched fireworks at marina on the 31st..whoa!!was that a great display or what!haha..BOOM BOOM BOOM!!haha..so many colours so many surprises..haha..then watched wallace and gromit..haha..the show was ok..not that bad considering the characters are made up of clay and wool..haha..kind of a bad mixture aint it?haha..

hmm..then wanted to head home cause was going to malaysia the next day..but all the public transports were unavailable..just my luck..so waited til 6 and boarded a cab..in between that i lit my first stick of the year!!haha..ok i shouldnt be joyful cause ya..friends..listen..i was stuck in the middle of marina and the esplanade at 2 in the morning..i was panicking but as always..i wouldnt show it..i had to ease myself..so cut me some slack k..hehehe..the first and the last for this year ok?how bout that?haha..and nad listen to this..the things i do for love..haha..actually it's the things i do to avoid being nagged la..but it has a connection..somewhere..hahaha..

and i just realised that papa's laptop needs some tlc..cause the time shows 5.51pm when it hasnt even reached 8am yet..haha..oh wait..before all this..i went to see grandma..mum was having some phobia cause she was admitted in the icu in the same hospital..so didnt want to replay the image..then mum and i had some kind of conversation..it went like this

me:mummy..you know..nenek's skin dry sey..that day adik rub my hand through her legs beh skin dier terkopek

mum:yela..klu da tue mcm tu..everything dries up..must water everyday..(grins at papa)..kan pa?bile da tue seme da kering..(the grin stays her eyes on him stays)

ok..i felt awkward..like REALLY awkward..mum couldnt be talking about papa's plant that he talks to and waters everyday cause it aint old..it was bought during hari raye..so were they talking about a somethingx2 that i wouldnt wanna know of or what?!people..think with me..and when you get an answer..tag me..please..the 'must water everyday' part just plays..ya..im sure you people get my frequency..

have a great 2006 peeps

You Know You Love The Flirt